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Sexually Frustrated
Question: I am not sure if I am doing the right thing by submitting this question, but I don't no if I have any other choice because I don't want to talk to my girlfriends because I am afraid they will look at me different if I talked to them. I have watched the last couple people that have submitted questions and they seem to be vagued in their background, but I feel that you need to really understand what is going on with me so that you can tell me what I should do.
Well, here it goes. I am a 40 something year old woman who has been married for quite a while. I go to the gym and enjoy the classes. I have lost about 30 pounds. I think I am attractive, but not what someone would call beautiful. I have two teenage children. My husband provides for us and he is a good man. On the outside we look like the perfect family. I can't even believe I am writing this because I have never even said it to myself. My husband is overweight. He does not exercise and eats bad. I cook healthy food for myself and the kids, but I have to cook southern foods for him because that is all that he will eat. The problem is that for the longest time I have not been physically attracted to him. We really haven't had much of a sexual relationship for the longest time. To be honest, when we do, I can't stand it. I know you must think I am superficial. But that is the way I feel. I really just don't want to be with him. It has been quite a few years.
I now feel like my good years are passing me by. I am very sexual, but I don't even want to go there with my husband. He doesn't need to look perfect, that isn't the point, but he sits home and watches tv all of the time. I can't get him to do anything physical with me. I am not talking about going to the gym, I mean just taking a walk or a bike ride.
It has now been a year since we have had sexual relations and he seems to be fine with that, but it has been at least 8 years since I have really enjoyed our sex life. Like I said, I feel like all of my good years are passing me by. I have not cheated on my husband, but I am sexually about ready to bust. My girlfriends are all single and I go out with them every so often. They all think that I am perfect because I am the only one still married. When we go out I try to keep around them so that I am not tempted. But last week, I ended up talking to a guy that we 16 years younger then myself. This guy really gets to me and I think about him a lot. We didn't do anything, but I am wanting to. He gave me his card and I want to call him but I haven't.
Oh, and by the way, to make matters worse, we are actively involved in our church!
Answer: Dear 40 Something,
Let me begin by saying how much I respect you for having the courage to write and ask for advice. Many people suffer in silence and live lives of quiet desperation. You had the courage to ask. There are several things in your letter that I wish to address.
Congratulation to you on losing 30 pounds, this is an awesome accomplishment. Remember beauty is only skin deep and if you feel beautiful you are beautiful. Stop judging yourself on what you think others would call beauty and what others think in perfect. Believe me; you have no idea of what goes on behind closed doors. Do not judge your family on what you think other family are like, they too have secrets.
As for the relationship or lack of relationship with your husband, you hold the key to determining the future of your marriage. Why do you cook "Southern" food for him? You are enabling his poor food choices. Stop cooking for him. Tell him that you and the children deserve a husband and father that cares enough to eat healthy and take care of himself. I assume that there is some love still there for your husband, draw on that and sit him down and tell him that you want to spend your life with a man that cares enough to take care of himself. Ask him why he has never asked about the lack of sex and explain that as a 40 something woman you have needs and that you are alive. Now he may not care and that is your answer, but you have to at least give him the opportunity to respond to your concerns. I agree that life is passing all of us by. We all deserve to Be Happy. So before you have this most serious of talks be prepared for it to go either way, and make sure you are willing to do what it takes to make it work or walk away. I do not recommend you talk to your husband about these concerns all at once, start where you feel most comfortable and test his response. He may be waiting for you to show interest. He may feel so bad about himself that he avoids intimacy. Care enough to take a stand. You will be able to gage his level of commitment to you and your family by his response. You do not know what he is thinking. Suggest a date night; tell him that you want to talk to him about some things that have been weighting heavy in your heart.
As for the younger man who showed you some attention, take it as a compliment. Do not do anything that you will regret. If your marriage is over you will be able to explore the world of younger men once you are free. But the guilt of being unfaithful is a bitter pill to swallow. No matter what at the end of the day you have to be able to live in your own skin. If you really feel your marriage is over be woman enough to say that, if you feel you owe it to your husband to work on your concerns be brave enough to address them. But do not jump into a sexual relationship and expect to resolve all the issues that brought you to this point in your life. I will keep you in my thoughts; you have the courage to make the right decision.
Denise
Well, here it goes. I am a 40 something year old woman who has been married for quite a while. I go to the gym and enjoy the classes. I have lost about 30 pounds. I think I am attractive, but not what someone would call beautiful. I have two teenage children. My husband provides for us and he is a good man. On the outside we look like the perfect family. I can't even believe I am writing this because I have never even said it to myself. My husband is overweight. He does not exercise and eats bad. I cook healthy food for myself and the kids, but I have to cook southern foods for him because that is all that he will eat. The problem is that for the longest time I have not been physically attracted to him. We really haven't had much of a sexual relationship for the longest time. To be honest, when we do, I can't stand it. I know you must think I am superficial. But that is the way I feel. I really just don't want to be with him. It has been quite a few years.
I now feel like my good years are passing me by. I am very sexual, but I don't even want to go there with my husband. He doesn't need to look perfect, that isn't the point, but he sits home and watches tv all of the time. I can't get him to do anything physical with me. I am not talking about going to the gym, I mean just taking a walk or a bike ride.
It has now been a year since we have had sexual relations and he seems to be fine with that, but it has been at least 8 years since I have really enjoyed our sex life. Like I said, I feel like all of my good years are passing me by. I have not cheated on my husband, but I am sexually about ready to bust. My girlfriends are all single and I go out with them every so often. They all think that I am perfect because I am the only one still married. When we go out I try to keep around them so that I am not tempted. But last week, I ended up talking to a guy that we 16 years younger then myself. This guy really gets to me and I think about him a lot. We didn't do anything, but I am wanting to. He gave me his card and I want to call him but I haven't.
Oh, and by the way, to make matters worse, we are actively involved in our church!
Answer: Dear 40 Something,
Let me begin by saying how much I respect you for having the courage to write and ask for advice. Many people suffer in silence and live lives of quiet desperation. You had the courage to ask. There are several things in your letter that I wish to address.
Congratulation to you on losing 30 pounds, this is an awesome accomplishment. Remember beauty is only skin deep and if you feel beautiful you are beautiful. Stop judging yourself on what you think others would call beauty and what others think in perfect. Believe me; you have no idea of what goes on behind closed doors. Do not judge your family on what you think other family are like, they too have secrets.
As for the relationship or lack of relationship with your husband, you hold the key to determining the future of your marriage. Why do you cook "Southern" food for him? You are enabling his poor food choices. Stop cooking for him. Tell him that you and the children deserve a husband and father that cares enough to eat healthy and take care of himself. I assume that there is some love still there for your husband, draw on that and sit him down and tell him that you want to spend your life with a man that cares enough to take care of himself. Ask him why he has never asked about the lack of sex and explain that as a 40 something woman you have needs and that you are alive. Now he may not care and that is your answer, but you have to at least give him the opportunity to respond to your concerns. I agree that life is passing all of us by. We all deserve to Be Happy. So before you have this most serious of talks be prepared for it to go either way, and make sure you are willing to do what it takes to make it work or walk away. I do not recommend you talk to your husband about these concerns all at once, start where you feel most comfortable and test his response. He may be waiting for you to show interest. He may feel so bad about himself that he avoids intimacy. Care enough to take a stand. You will be able to gage his level of commitment to you and your family by his response. You do not know what he is thinking. Suggest a date night; tell him that you want to talk to him about some things that have been weighting heavy in your heart.
As for the younger man who showed you some attention, take it as a compliment. Do not do anything that you will regret. If your marriage is over you will be able to explore the world of younger men once you are free. But the guilt of being unfaithful is a bitter pill to swallow. No matter what at the end of the day you have to be able to live in your own skin. If you really feel your marriage is over be woman enough to say that, if you feel you owe it to your husband to work on your concerns be brave enough to address them. But do not jump into a sexual relationship and expect to resolve all the issues that brought you to this point in your life. I will keep you in my thoughts; you have the courage to make the right decision.
Denise
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lori Cumberledge on -
I am going to respond to the advice that Denise gave about "stop cooking for him" and enabling his poor food choices...food is very personal and if you choose to make him eat what you eat he may take it very "personally" as if you are punishing him and /or attacking him. A different, more subtle approach is lighten up and choose more healthy options within his Southern food menu. There are many resources online to help you! I've included just a few to check out:
Miss Daisy's Healthy Southern Cooking- http://www.amazon.com/Miss-Daisys-Healthy-Southern-Cooking/dp/15818...
Bella'sOnline Southern Cooking Site-http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art45925.asp
Eating Well Magazine- http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes_menus/collections/healthy_souther...
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Permalink Reply by Pati-Gardenist-Artist,Kickboxer on -
Well Hello to the Honest and most forth right female on this good earth.
I loved the statement about your fat honey not eating what you cook.
I had some people visit my home from England and one of the guests said she didn't like the food...Since I was the one in charge of the food I put the plates on the table and the food on the table..The Vet had told me that Rusty my dog would eat what I bought for him.It may take three days but he assured me that Rusty would eat...
I was married to a stubborn bull as well and I'm not sure you are the one to talk,reason,beg, or discuss any of this.
You will get ex actually what you settle for and no one will change that for you. Keep working out, loving life and kick him to the curb. Tell him bluntly and HONESTLY that you are not attracted to him in his condition or just wait around for him to have some kind of cardiac arrest and call 911 in a few hours...
My X is still Fat and living off some nurse that is settling for his behavior...My Blessings to you...Your Health is important so "U" go Girl...
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Permalink Reply by Mary K. Moore on -
Very good question, Dear 40 something! Do not feel alone, I am sure there are others who felt the same way. I, too for awhile had similar feelings as you. Denise Norgan was great with her suggestions. I think by following her suggestions, you will go far in finding a better life for yourself.
However, if your husband does not respond to your attempts to make your marriage better, suggest you both go for professional marriage counseling to see where there problem is and go from there. Sometimes, it is a case of "growing apart" as it was with my marriage. I have been divorced over five years. It was hard for me at first to accept this but now I am enjoying life, traveling and doing things I like to do.
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Permalink Reply by tiredmomma2 on -
Dear 40 Something,
I was in shock when I read this, I could have wrote this. I love my husband very much we have been married almost 15 yrs with 2 kids (he was not a big guy when we met) but his weight is a big issue in our sex life. He is close to 400lbs I try and make healthy foods but he stays up late and eats. He doesn't help around the house just watches TV or sleeps on his days off, so I am also resentful on that subject also so that also hinders any relationship. My husband is not ok with our sex life, we are at a couple times a month. It is not enjoyable to me and that bothers me because I know I have enjoyed it in the past. I know I would never cheat on him because he has other great qualities he just struggles with this problem and depression. I don't think bringing someone else into your life is a great idea, it will only complicate the situation because you will get caught up emotionally also. Good luck, I just wanted you to know you are not the only one who feels this way, maybe talking to a counselor with or without him will help.
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Permalink Reply by Pati-Gardenist-Artist,Kickboxer on
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Hello 40 something..Please be sure to read my take on your honey bun..I had to stop and define your word for "LOVE". It's Love when the guy has nothing to do with you except for 2 times a month( thats 24 intimate days in a year.(Passion avoided by you)
You are OK with the fact that he has depression. You are settling and he is delivering the goods. When you finally reveal what your definition of "LOVE" is you will see the root of sadness and bitterness is very toxic to anyone in your circle. I could be the spokesman for this poster of "LOVE"..
Thank God for the TV or it would be totally miserable and this spills over and out... When you take time out for "U" please read my slant on this. and RUN..don't WALK..Get a friend to help with this codependency and Find yourself a new place to reside.Your Heart needs Help.It took me 10 years to leave..Can't you do better?
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